Yeah…about those plans…the same ones I make for like ever and ever…
Plans to blog, plans to travel, plans to plan! Plans for exercising, eating right, saving money, learning, reading, socializing, working, writing and whatever the fuck else you can think of [insert here]…
What the f happened?
Did they get lost in translation?
As I look upon my old self, almost exactly one year ago via this blog, I’ve accomplished almost nothing creatively as I’d hoped to. And now thinking about it…it seems as though I’ve only recently gotten my life together…
My knee jerk reaction is to knee myself…However, I have made progress in other areas and maybe I now have an environment conducive for creating. I recently got promoted at a job I love, and because it’s far I bought a brand new fuel-efficient vehicle. I’m moving into a beautiful new apartment, my relationships are improving, and I’m finally working out regularly and eating healthier.
I’d love to say getting here was a breeze but it sure as hell wasn’t. I ask so much of myself everyday…and when I am successful, pretend that it took no effort at all, only to immediately fill my head with even higher expectations than before.
I used to love blogs as a source of inspiration but at this point I am so sick of these personal bloggers pretending that their life is so glamorous and perfect. Its unrealistic and its shallow, and at times even disgusting. Constantly making your life look like it came out of a storybook, and your closet a magazine doesn’t tell me anything…What are you really sharing with me? Where is your struggle? Can I learn something from you? Cause I sure as hell can’t relate to you…I need content!
Life can be so lonely sometimes, no matter how many people you have in it…and that little voice in your head that tells you their ideas, wishes, hopes and dreams is subject to your scrutiny, and man I can get awful mean, awful fast.
Even though I was disappointed in my lack of creation over the past year, I did like that I had something to refer to. The idea of a blog, to capture your journey and really capture it. The good and the bad.
I’d like to say that I’m now “starting over” but perhaps instead, I could say “I’m picking up where I left off.”
We can’t undo our mistakes, or go back in time, or be anything other than who we are; and if we don’t like it we should change it. Take it day by day and learn from what we did, that we may not have felt was ideal. But we shouldn’t want to erase it…Because our flaws are what make us interesting and lead us to new horizons. I want to feel everyday that I’m getting closer and closer to the ideal me. The person I WANT to be. Even though I’ll never get there, as our expectations will always change, I can say that no matter what day it was I did the best I could and never gave up on myself. To love yourself unconditionally, as we so often request others do…I would find it hard not to love someone like that. That should be the only plan…and then everything else in life is just a step towards greatness.
As I continue to pick up the pieces, I want this blog to be a tool that helps me remember…to serve as a reminder…a tool that helps me discover, and share in a way keeping a diary or scrapbook just couldn’t. Life is lonely, but there is always the internet to help you connect…And I know there are vitruvian girls everywhere.